I am a hypocrite?

Definition of a hypocrite:

1. a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion
2. a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings
   

Am I one?

I put on so many faces that I can't remember which one is the one that is really me. I hate with my heart, but I feel pity when she boasts as the other side of it is not real. I shed tears but I want to laugh as it is over a matter that is stupid to me. But why my heart cries out in pain as words slice it.

Have you ever gone through a day where you think would be the best day because everything went so well but in fact, became the worst day?

Sometimes I really want to laugh out loud. I am really that dumb. I can't learn from things. I need them to be told. I assume things. I thought it is the best.

Nah, it isn't me, myself or I.

Words that slice your heart, making me suffocate. Food are tasteless things. Not something from the table of God. Prayers said in pain. Asking God why? What is your plan? Show me, lead me. What can I do? It never ends.

Telling yourself, putting it in mind... Don't be stupid enough to do it again. It happened again. You lose control. You just want to shake that person, yelling "Could you just bloody put aside your thoughts and put yourself in my shoes?". "It is just a bad dream," you tell yourself, hoping that when you wake up, nothing has happened.

How many times you cried silently in your heart, willing someone to help you ease the pain. Your heart seems swollen and thumping it's last. Tears fall. Your emotional side thinks, this is not worth it. I just want to give up. Just lie down and will yourself to die. Your rational side tells you, something to learn, to improve yourself. This is not worth dying for. It's a small matter. There are people who are in even worse situations. What about your family? Your friends? Do you want them to cry because you were not strong enough to overcome it. I am not strong but the Lord your God is. He gives you strength in times of need. We are His children. If you die, who is the saddest of all? He is the one.

I thank God that my rational is always stronger than my emotional side. If not I would have died early on.

Having prejudiced thoughts are a danger. I am and always will, be the useless, spoilt, selfish, disrecpectful and have no manners. I laugh because I know I am not. In other's eyes... I am the worst and you would expect the worst from me. I just want to yell back and say, SO WHAT? Swear words threatening to spill out of my mouth.

Be careful about having prejudiced thoughts. It hurts the person in return. I've always been the end of those thoughts. I thought that so long I know what I am doing is not wrong, it's fine. Other's thoughts of me are useless. May be that's why I am so wild outside. Cz inside I can't express myself. I crave attention as I recieved the negative side of it at home. I am too sensitive as I always accidentally heard the negative comments. They don't feel guilty talking behind people's backs. Have you know me? Sometimes I think you just don't bother to know me at all because you think you know all about me. Hahaha... It's a laugh. I am damn laughing at you. You forgive and forget. How can we forget. Then it's not forgive.

You can never make everyone happy. I assume I can. BAD. It's WRONG.

I just laugh. Tears are useless.

Tell me what I can do?

Tell me I am stupid.