Why? What?

Some said I talked too much. Some said I don't talk at all. Which is the truth?

Both are. I talked too much around my friends, my immediate family (mum, dad, Pui and San). I don't talk at all when you are my relative but I fear you and I don't know you. I would say hello and things like that but ask me to find a topic to talk about, nah... That's hard. I just can't open a topic and talk to you about it. Is it abnormal? Tell me please...

My aunt complains that I wouldn't open my "gold-laden" mouth. Why? I don't know what to talk about around her. I'm not like her children, being able to just just open a topic and talk about it. She may be my relative and I may grow up around her but it's fear of her that keeps me from talking openly and freely towards her. It seems absurb but it's really that kind of feeling that something has a grip on your heart and wouldn't let go. So what I do is just let them do all the talking. I'm fine with my mum and even dad. I talk like crazy and they do in turn. It's just the way they communicate around me and I tend to be a listener at home rather than the talker. My mum and dad talks a lot more at home but they also do ask me questions that would lead from one topic to another. My aunt expects me to be more of the talker rather than answering questions because to her, it is bad for communication. Things work 2 ways of more, you can't expect the way you think is right to be the correct one for another person. It is hard fitting in towards one's "right" way of life and then they condemming the way you used to live is "wrong".

I've lots of hurts in my almost 2 years in NZ and they still hurt. Most of them through my aunt. Our tongue is like a knife. Be careful on how you use it. She wields her tongue like a sharp knife and it slashes my heart countless times not only by saying hurtful things about me and also my parents. One thing I really cannot tolerate is someone condemming the way my parents raised me. PLEASE. There is no such thing as perfect parenting and every single parent would raise their child in their own way. No matter how different and how wrong it might seem to you, do not ever comment on the way my parents raised me. I am the more sensitive kind as my background is not just a simple one even it might be simpler than how it is today.

I've said lots of negative things against my aunt but it's just from the perspective of me. Others would find her funny, nice and lovely but everyone has their own sides towards others so this is not being judgemental. It's just how she acts towards me and how I interpreted it. She might not mean harm but I think it did.

I've matured as a person. I really did. I may still act childish but my thinking has matured. It is an arduous walk and I am still walking towards the end, knowing that the Lord is holding my hand and walking with me. I may stray and felt the Lord slipping away but it is me who slipped away from him. I know He would be there for me, just waiting for me to cry out to Him.