I learnt patience.

I learnt the word: Wait

I learnt that jealousy still can't solve anything.

No matter how angry I am at things. Still, God has His plans.

Now I just need to let go.

RAGE

maybe i was being a bit too happy saying to mum that "The school still calls me first over Jin."

FUDGE.

I WANT THE MONEY.

I want to work.

WHY IS SHE TAKING ALL MY RELIEVING JOBS when I WAS THE ONE WHO INTRODUCED IT.

I really regret sometimes my decisions at times. I knew she needed a job. She turned it down twice. Then slowly because she was desperate, then willing to take it.

but now. I really really am mad.

Online shopping madness...

Recently, due to... VISA slowness...

All I've been doing is going online. It also seems that God didn't want me to have any trouble so I didn't have much relieving work and the occasional New World.

So...

All I did was to try and kill boredom at home.

So went online and HECK... My usual sites were calling me.

Sasa was horrible. I remembered I need lots of masks, LOTS! And then, realised my skincare was diminishing. So added a few more items. After looking here and there and minus-ing stuff so my shopping cart do not get so ridiculous, I managed to buy some.

Other one, gmarket is the worst!! My Korean madness!! OH GOSH! Shoes, clothes, accessories... All so tempting. Click of the button. I managed to dent another part of my account. =.=

However, shipping is really fast for gmarket! Usually get my stuff within a week or two. AMAZING. Sasa just sent me an email saying it would take more than 3-4 weeks. Die lah... Why can't they be as efficient as gmarket? Pfft.

I went out for 3 hours and came back with an email saying that my shoes were posted! I should have gotten more... Argh!

Today is the day I comtemplated whether I'm suitable to carry on as a leader with the youth. And to stay back as well.

I love them. But somehow, this year, I've met more obstacles than ever. And it hurts.

Jin talked about a Korean custom which they do it every new year. They featured some Bible verses and you picking up a random packet? I think so? And she talks about her Bible verse saying that she will face a lot of hard obstacles and she will need a lot of faith to walk down the path.

I think it's been like that for me. Thank God, my spiritual life has grown so much more these few years as well as me wanting to do more for Him.

Thank God for also friends that are constantly there to guide me and comfort me.

I've pretty much mellowed out. I don't know. These few weeks have been trying on me. I'm still stressed out but not in a bad way, meaning, I still sleep pretty well and hopefully, less taking out on people but more on berating myself.

I don't know... I don't know most of my friends anymore.

I want to have a person someone beside me that really can comfort me.

Jin has been a tad further these days because of her boyfriend and somehow, we have nothing in common anymore. =(

I really miss those days.................

Sometimes, thinking of having a bf makes me even depressed cz on most of the blogs I read, everyone is talking about their baby, BB, bubu... wadeva pet name they have for their bfs... and. I really wish I could share things with someone that special...

Argh. Just wistful thinkings and God's timing... is perfect. I believe that.

Complaints, Life and... Tolerance.

Guess living in NZ does have it's perks. I love the weather. Anything else? I love it getting colder and colder and then I freeze.

LOL.

Been complaining and lot but still taking in all the good times I had so far. Kinda.

At least, I have the Gold Coast trip to look forward in May and hopefully, home at the end of the year along with HK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life still sucks.

But my birthday came and went.

Was a small thing this year and with close friends. =)

LOVE the thoughtful presents I had!!!

A new subway. Inside joke about how my last wallet looked like a hamburger.

lots of friends and cakes........

seriously I was so scared I would gain 50kgs at the amount my friends were feeding me.

AND...

TADA!!!!!!!!!!!

I swore I will never get an ipod.

and I BROKE that pact.

MY FRIENDS GOT ME ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

an ipod touch 8G. Which I promptly filled up with applications.

My NDS is gonna cry while i pamper this toy for a while... =)

what's with age and match-making?

i really need to rant out.

a really dear friend. REALLY dear... She's very close but... she irritates me at things as sometimes we don't see eye to eye but yet she still forces me to go along. I do. So long it doesn't cross the line..

Recent years seen a huge influxes of relationships and marriages yet... I have yet to have one. People tell me to be less picky. I'll say, I haven't met the one that clicked yet.

Or I've been to anti-social as mum says.

She's been trying to fix me up with guys and sometimes I wonder, if the guys were to be that good, why aren't you hooking up with him? I'm perfectly content (WELL MOST OF THE TIMES) being single and having my own time. Plus, I'm pretty busy myself.

She called me up in good terms to ask me if I would go badminton with her on monday night. I agreed to it first but then I remembered, I've got choir practise that runs til at least 9.45pm. This was a pact for me to serve God more and outside church this year. I had a feeling I will be busy but then when we make time for God, time seems more meaningful unlike last year where I rejected joining the choir because "Life was unsettled." I told myself, no matter what, I will join it this year and I never regretted it. I met new people, learnt how to socialise amongst other churches and also grow spiritually.

She's a Christian friend and I do expect at least for her to understand my obligations to put God first. She told me to try and get out of choir. I told her no as we have a presentation in 5 weeks time. We need all the time to practise. She insists that I call in sick, or just not turn up at all. I said no to that. She said why can you call in sick for New World but not choir? It's the same. I told her my reasons but yet she still insists that choir isn't that great after all. She backed off after I started sounding a bit angry.

One thing that stuck in my mind was her saying, why are you so busy all the time? When are you going to meet guys?

I guess being 23 and working hard isn't going hand in hand or just our values don't match up. I love her dearly but, sometimes, my priorities are still my priorities. Meeting guys just to widen my social circle I don't mind but sometimes the way she introduces me to guys just makes me go on offense.

On her birthday she tried asking another Christian friend who just so be there whether they have a lot of guys in their church. And the next thing she did was to point at me and say, "She's desperate," and states my degree as an education major. The girl just asked me if I majored in Early Childhood or Primary and I said Primary. So she got a little excited and said I could meet this guy who was doing the same course. I, in turned asked her if she had come from this church and I ACTUALLY GUESSED CORRECTLY. The guy spoken was my junior in uni and I actually helped him and coached him a little on his interview into getting the course.

Well, by then the whole table was getting so overexcited that it just blew way out of proportion, making it such a big deal even with me insisting that it was my sister's church mate and I already knew him way back. Somehow, they just decided there and then that I SHOULD PROBABLY consider him. Far out. Just give me a break.

She just practically embarasses me in front of every guy I met or seen with her. Except for church mates. Even if a guy was just plain nice and what's wrong with just friends, she would managed to twist it some other way that makes me go, NEVER TALKING TO THAT GUY AGAIN.

Really, is it just me or just everyone else thinks that by 23 you don't have a bf or relationship, you're screwed. Why can't you just accept that I will be happy and probably regret later but then, I'm not rushing myself into a relationship that I will regret? I really haven't found my guy yet, I'm not picky, I don't expect a perfect handsome guy. I just want someone that will like me for who I am, loud, noisy or even manly and also who just makes me smile at things. I found one, tried but didn't end the way. It's ok. I'll just need to find someone else, but at least I didn't regret trying and he did make me smile a lot.

On another note of crossing that joking line or just plain rudeness, my little brother loves putting down the band i like. 2PM. well, not so much anymore but still. He LOVES SNSD or Girls' Generation and I never talk bad about them. I do like them but I don't see the need to put down every time I mention 2PM or jay. He loves it, and I lost my temper on him today.

It's just the lethal combination of both that really pisses me off. I really wonder what they think sometimes. Really, I may be easy going in some ways or most of the time but still, respect me and my likes. Or just accept it. Do you need to dictate what or how my life should be like and what I should like or not?

playing the waiting game...

I took the interview for the early childhood course...

and as always, I THINK I DID HORRIBLE.

=.=

The other two had quite a bit of experience with little kids and... I have... only from 5 years onwards.

Dad encouraged me with Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I'm gonna trust God in this and patiently wait for the answer. I remembered my interview at UoA 4 years ago. They told me straightaway after as they knew I was heading back to Malaysia after it.

4 years later, at the same spot but a longer waiting time.

All good. For God's plans were never to harm me but prosper me.

Now, I need to find someone for saturday shift.

With CNY coming up... Only thing that is still feeling CNY-ey is... The lantern festival... ON CHAP GOH MEI. Bleh...

2010.

2 months into it.

Things still uncertain.

(DAMN MSIAN embassy damn sloooooooowww.... So tempted to take a trip down to Welly so I can just get my police cert done. Or would it take more time?)

Started the school term with a week of relieving at the old school. Kids still recognise me and gives me biiiigggg hugs. Even my Year-6-turned-Year-7 kid looked so much older, mature. I guess, he's the BIG dude in the school. Intermediate. Man, I miss that class heaps. But then, the Year-4-turned-Year-5... Wow... Haven't seen them as they were in a separate block and I usually am in the junior section. One of them still gave me a hug.

Sigh.

I love kids. Even though they make me mad...

=)

Argh. My diary has a line going. I hate Valentine's Day.

Duh. For a good reason. Everyone, EVERYONE is hooked up right and left and even the younger ones.

NOT THE DUDEs. Who cares bout Chao Wei and Jerry. (MWAHAHAHAHAHA... You are dudes after all.)

The girls.......................... Anna, Jess, Mavis, Jin, June.

Mum still nagging me bout looking at guys. All I told her, I'm not gonna babysit spoilt guys here. Seriously. SPOILT. Plus they don't love my Malaysian-ness with the kiasu must need to speak coherent english. Damn.

=D

Ah well....

2PM. my life.

LOL....

I've just came to the conclusion. I'm seriously a recluse.

So hard to drag me out anymore. Like, I don't even want to know anymore new people. It's just plainly uncomfortable. I really suck at the getting-to-know-people.

And... It's stupid cz this time last year, my parents were here. I want to go home. I hate NZ. I don't know why I'm still here, hanging to the last bits of hope.

seriously, sometimes, Life really can be a bitch. And I just lose everything.

Everything is gone.

*crap as mood*

It is weird to see this year fly past.

and it reminds me that that hole hasn't been seeing much light too.

I have faith but sometimes, I really wonder. Did I take the right path?? I really want to break down and head towards my comfort zone which is... Go back to study. Yeah. Still, I need to pass that getting an interview stage. Which basically sucks.

I realised, God answers most of my prayers when I do... Leave it in His hands. Had a few breakdowns but I know, I've been stronger these days. Just a tad more cynical to people.

Thank God for friends who do pull me through things.

Anna... I'm sorry for mostly PMS-ing at you most of the times. I know you kinda read this blog?
Jess, I LOVE YOU!!!!!!
June ah June, you're always always there when I need to release steam.
JinHong, you're just awesome for who you are and you made me realised things.

I had the chance to "say" goodbye to my kids in Koru where I had, actually relieved for a year. I really really miss the older ones though... The little ones still give me hugs as I had them most of this term... But, realising that, I really love the independence but still dependent older kids on me. The yells of "MISS SONG!" even though I was quite, um... Mean to them. I really love them and they do know it by just saying "Good morning!" or just tickling me or poking me in the arm.

Walking along the school during duty time, some of them came up and gave me a huge hug. Or even just showing things off to me and telling me when I'm gonna relieve in their class again. I realised, I probably wiill never see these kids again and I'm gonna miss them a lot. They had unconsciously, stuck and superglued themselves in my mind and heart. They created a lot of memories that will always keep me smiling. I remembered this girl coming up to me telling me that I MUST and NEED to watch her perform but sadly, I was called to relieve in another school.

I come to realise, it is really sad IF I had to go back to Malaysia because, would this even happen at all? The teachers there... I really, wonder still have the passion for educating these kids. Just because they aren't rich or smart, would you still wanna keep going on teaching?? I really seen the passion the teachers here put into teaching and I really applaud them. I want to be those kind of teachers that one day that student will think back. I can still remember always wanting to learn and school was fun!

I really, really do not want to lose that passion. And the pathway I'm gonna walk next, I leave it in God's hands. He knows what is best for me. He has brought me this far.